But What About My Free Candy Cane?
by The-Doctor's-Invader-at-221B
Summary: Ridiculous one-shot. While waiting for the TARDIS to rest from so many trips, the Doctor spots something in the mall to waste time and have fun while doing it, even though Rose is reluctant.


A/N: Something I banged out in an hour- or, I would have, if I were not the queen of procrastination. A bit of ridiculousness that my brain spouted out from obsessing over DW so much and it being Christmas and all that. So... you all have this bit of crack! Hope you liked it.

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"I've never liked malls... ever, really... they're crowded and smelly and you can't walk anywhere without people hounding you with free samples of cheese or whatever." The Doctor frowned in slight disgust. "The next time we let the TARDIS have a rest from trips, we're not going into one of these things."

"I thought you liked the free samples," replied Rose, giving him a wry smile.

"So? It doesn't mean I'm not irritated by the little snot-nosed teenagers who give them out." He suddenly stopped, a grin spreading over his face. "Ah! Perfect! See, look that way. You were looking for something to waste time, weren't you?"

"Not exactly, it was more you than me. I don't mind just walking with you, I don't get bored at all that way-" But the Doctor wasn't to her listening anymore. He jogged over to where a line of children were.

"And you want to be here why...?" Rose followed him.

"How about we both go see Father Christmas?" he suggested, looking over the crowd. "They're giving out free candy canes, too. Can't beat that. But I like lolly-pops better."

"You mean you want to sit on his lap and ask for presents?"

"Why not? The line's not really that long, and I'm getting rather tired of just wandering around."

"You're serious?"

"As serious as the hairs on my head, Rose Tyler," he told her, giving her an affirmative nod.

"But you can't, you know, you're-"

"I'm what? Have you ever gone to see Father Christmas?"

"Well, yeah, when I was about four, but-"

"And you did because you wanted to, correct?"

"Of course, but-"

"But nothing! No one's posted an age limit, have they? I'm going to sit on his lap because I want to. At least it's more fun than last Christmas was, eh?"

Rose rolled her eyes. The man who could save entire planets within seconds, rescue any human from certain death, regenerate and not die or age... was such a little child at times.

The Doctor got impatient with the line rather quickly. Children were exceedingly slow... why didn't more people talk quickly like he did? He had no idea why everyone explained things slowly and carefully. It was miles better to get everything out all at once. If one did explain things slowly and carefully, then one was likely to not be listened to. The person you were talking to would get tired of having to listen to something so grating. He knew this from experience. But if you were quick to explain something, then whoever you were talking to would try to keep up. Such an excellent strategy! Only Rose didn't seem to listen at all to when he explained something... she'd just say "What?" after he would say something _important. _That was inconsiderate, that was. Rude. Hmph...

"Doctor, it's your turn," Rose said, poking him. "Don't want to keep the_ other_ children waiting, do you?"

"They kept me waiting long enough," he grumbled, but stepped up next to Father Christmas's seat. The man playing the role scowled as he eyed the Doctor. "What'd you want?"

"Just to tell you what I want for Christmas!" the Doctor said brightly, then sat down on the man's lap. "Let's see, I want first-"

"Oi! Get off! You can't just do that! And- you're a hell of a lot heavier than these kids-" protested Father Christmas.

"I'm not that bad! Only about... um, maybe... well, I'm not very heavy. Probably should lay off the cakes, though. But I haven't grown out of this suit size at all, and it's rather small. Am I really that skinny? I suppose I always have been. Not that I should complain, though. Ladies like slender types a lot. I've digressed, though, sorry about that. That happens a lot with me. I can go on and on and on about things at incredible speed and I just get carried away with different subjects. Bad habit, that is. Should work on that. And there I go again! Just blabbering on while there's so many more important things to discuss. Anyhow. What I want for Christmas is, some snazzy new pieces I could install in the TARDIS. I just love tinkering with her. And I want new shoes, because I've been wearing out this pair of trainers." The Doctor held up his foot to show the man for a moment, then went on. "And I also want Rose to get better at cooking. I try to be nice, but there's only so many times you can choke down a grey, lumpy sort of porridge after she burns all the food I have in the TARDIS. Let me cook dinner this time, Doctor, she says! I'll have you asking for thirds, she says! Then I get the nastiest pains after eating her cooking and she wonders why I'm the one who's always making supper!" The Doctor shook his head.

From where she was standing, Rose closed her eyes and let out a sigh. Good God, Doctor, shut up... please...

"And I want to not visit Jackie's flat for six months at a time, and I want her to stop kissing me on the lips when she greets me. She wears this cheap lipstick and it's God-awful stuff, I can tell you that. At least she doesn't hate me anymore and doesn't glare at me when I'm talking to her daughter, but still." The Doctor made a face. "And also, perhaps Rose getting caught under the mistletoe with me would be a marvelous gift. I've snogged quite a number of girls under the mistletoe but Rose hasn't been one of them. Well, actually, she's only ever snogged me twice, and the second time didn't exactly count because it was Cassandra in Rose's body who did it. And the first time was only because I had to save her from the heart of the TARDIS killing her. But I can't say I didn't enjoy it either time, though." He smirked.

Rose groaned softly, putting a hand to her face.

"Alright, that's enough. You, off," ordered Father Christmas.

"But I'm not finished!" complained the Doctor.

"We've been waiting forever!" complained a girl in line.

"Oh, well, fancy that! I had to wait for about fifteen minutes to get up here and I've never gotten to sit on Father Christmas's lap, so I think I deserve a little extra time!"

"No you don't! You're already an adult!" whined a second child.

"Well, that's as far as you know, now isn't it?"

"Doctor, please!" said Rose, thoroughly exasperated.

"Just a tick more and I'll be collecting my free candy cane, then we can leave, Rose. Now, I'd also like-"

"No, I've had it with you. Get off right now or I'm alerting security on you and your girlfriend," snapped Father Christmas.

"Oh, no, no, no, she's not my girlfriend, she's just my traveling companion. We're best mates, that's all. Although-"

"I don't care! Off!"

"But I'm not done with my list just yet! I've been really good all year, you know, except for... well, that thing, and... that other thing I did... and that... ooh, that was the worst..." The Doctor winced. "And-"

"Security! Get this nutter and his blonde girl out of my sight!" yelled Father Christmas.

"Oi, I've got a name! But we haven't been properly introduced, now have we? I'm the Doctor." He smiled in a friendly way, but Father Christmas glowered back with disdain.

Two security guards dressed as Christmas elves made their way up to the chair and snatched hold of the Doctor's arms, then started to drag him away.

"Well, you shouldn't expect me to take you two seriously in those outfits. But I have to compliment you on the tights; very slimming," the Doctor remarked, but frowned again and said indignantly, "What about my free candy cane? Oh, now that's unfair! Blimey, you little buggers from the North Pole are right nasty pieces of work, you are!"

"I didn't do anything! Why am I getting tossed out?" Rose protested as two more guards started dragging her off as well.

"You're with him, aren't you?" grunted a guard.

"Yeah, but-"

"Then you're expelled from the shop as well."

"That's not fair!"

"Quite right, Rose Tyler! And where are we going to take our Christmas shopping now, eh?" The Doctor said to the guards. "All _you're_ doing is hurting yourselves on so many accounts."

"Doctor, would you mind shutting your trap?" snapped Rose.

The pair was shoved out the doors roughly.

"Don't come back again or you'll be put in a holding cell for resisting arrest!" shouted a guard.

"All because I told Father Christmas what I want? If this is not the most wretched case of injustice I've ever heard then I'd like to hear what is! And I can tell you I've been around a lot and have never seen anything like this! It's mental!" The Doctor called after them.

Rose fixed him with the look she always did whenever he was being utterly tactless or the like. "What?" he complained. "I did nothing! Nothing! There's just a little too much Christmas spirit lacking on this Earth, that's the problem! Good will toward men and all that, that's what Christmas is all about! But no, you have people wanting to spoil it for everyone!" The Doctor set off in the direction of the TARDIS. Muttering under her breath, Rose followed after him.


End file.
